Like countless aspiring bloggers across the World Wide Web, I sometimes find it challenging to set aside the time to sit and write out my thoughts and post them on here. However, today something came across my mind that seemed appropriate to put into writing. Organizing my thoughts into words helps me have a presentable idea for something that I've had issues with and has been festering for years. I couldn't really put it into words before. Maybe someone reading this would have some insight. Its basis comes in the form of a question:
How can I have complete faith in something (i.e. the Church as it is right now) that, frankly, doesn't have the answers to the questions that I have and hasn't been able to provide the help that I have been seeking?
I've gone to my priesthood leader seeking help and got none. I've prayed for countless years to be able to get over my SSA, and it hasn't happened. The Church doesn't have any support programs for us. They publish a few manuals, mention it briefly in a few talks here and there and give us the standard “Sunday School Answers” as something that should be 100% effective at making even the most doubting gay person turn straight. Ultimately I just feel like I'm left empty handed. Moreover, I feel like vocalizing my concerns (such as asking the question above during an institute class, Sunday School, or even asking my home teachers) would be seen as sowing the seeds of doubt in others or fostering a spirit of apostasy. I don’t feel like it’s apostasy on my part, even if it is a tough question that a lot of people might not be able to answer. But it’s a question that demonstrates the kind of things I have to face every day as a gay Mormon. I don’t believe in blind faith, and neither does this religion. Yet that’s exactly what they seem to expect of me.
I'm told that acting out is a grievous offense/sin, and I fully expect that church discipline would be pretty severe for doing so. Yet, at the same time, there is no help in being able to live a balanced life where all needs could be met that wouldn't depend on me "white-knuckling it" indefinitely. That's not a solution. That's basically the same thing I've been doing for 16 years while expecting different results. That’s pretty much the definition of insanity, is it not?
It’s one thing to endure to the end, holding steadfast to a rod that leads the way along a rocky path. It’s quite another to hold on for dear life to a rod while your whole body flails over a deep, dark pit. Eventually you will lose the strength, your fingers will start to slip, and you will finally fall. That’s how I’ve felt for all of my 20s – essentially since I returned home from my mission 8 years ago. The solution, of course, is to have something to stand on and support your weight. I’ve looked for that support and strength with this trial, and it’s just not there in the Church right now. As much as it breaks my heart to say this, it is what I have found. So, I remain here holding onto the rod with what strength I have while my legs kick to find something solid to rest on.
